YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! I created you to be MORE then enough. I will give you strength and courage, just take one small step forward!
I have this nagging thought that haunts my brain so much these days. I’m sure I’m not the only one to ever have this thought. I am consumed by this. I wake up in the middle of the night with these thoughts. I think about them when I go to bed, when I’m cooking dinner, when I’m cleaning my home, doing laundry, showering, even when I plan to go buy fresh flowers from the Babas down the street. I am overwhelmed with this thought when I have to leave the comfort of my home.
I’m not good enough… To make friends in a foreign country, and have a good life here. Every single day, I reflect on my deep desire to have a few really great friends here, but this nagging thought about not being good enough plays over and over in my head. Why God, cant this be a little easier? Why couldn’t you have created me to be more like ( INSERT OUTGOING FRIEND HERE)? It takes so much out of me just to get the courage to go buy butter from the little store across the street. I even know enough of the language to be able to ask for butter. Yet, I’m fearful that I will make a mistake, sound like an idiot and have the thought of not being good enough confirmed in my head. At least in the comfort of my home I feel more safe from this thought.
I’m not good enough… has haunted me for decades. I never felt good enough to be apart of a loving family and fought so hard to get them to dislike me… Ask my sister and brother, they can attest to the rage that was Ashley. When the thought becomes overwhelming I push people away.
So here I am sitting on my bed, typing this all out and hoping that I’m not being too vulnerable. Hoping that I am good enough to share these thoughts with you.. Hoping that by opening my heart to you, that there would be healing that would come not just for me, but for you too. I said to a friend this week that being vulnerable is sometimes the most healing thing we can do.. So I pray that as I learn to battle these thoughts and find my courage in Christ, that I would find healing, but I also pray that anyone who has ever had these thoughts rage through your mind, would know, you do not stand alone. There are so many of us who suffer in silence, and shame.
BUT KNOW THIS… You are good enough… I am good enough.
salomonslivingabroad 